Maybe there is a
cautionary note to it, as I am aware the dream world does portend a kind of
awareness that should not be dismissed without consideration.
In that realm, I
found that I left a temporary residence ensconced in my memory from my teenaged
years on a bicycle late at night in search of activities that happened more
into my 30s. Nothing had happened by the time I decided to return when I found
myself in the company of other female cyclists who were tenants there too.
On getting to the
house, the main garage door was ajar, and a thought occurred to me that I might
have been responsible for leaving the place unsecured, but I could not tell. It
meant I had to go in first armed with a chair to check if there was an intruder
on the premises and thankfully there was none and it did not appear anything
had been lost or stolen.
Realms within dreams
As I went to bed, I
was troubled by the idea that I should have owned up to being careless with
security even though I had no recollection of it. Then, within the same dream,
I relived another instance when I had returned to see the door ajar, my
reckoning then suggesting it was my fault.
My cousin then became
a protagonist, saying the issue of the lax security had been escalated and he
needled me about being the one responsible for the lapse which resulted in some
valuable lost property.
Assume before it’s
presumed
His magnanimous
praise and elevation of a young man who at first appeared to have no prospects
deepened my sense of guilt and regret of not immediately taking responsibility
with the indication that I would be disgraced and punished, when I was
delivered from the nightmare with wakefulness.
Whilst I can think of
no interpretation of the dream, it crept into my consciousness that today is my
cousin’s birthday, I am not laying too much store in this, but I could not
ignore the distress it caused me; the possibility that there might be something
I am responsible for that has been left undone requiring I immediately without
hesitation assume blame for than prolong the mental agony of concealment in the search of exculpation or acquittal.
Recently, I think I
have been searching for a better understanding of myself, a kind of review of
my past, my present, my prospects, the circumstances in which I find myself,
what might need tinkering with and what other things must radically shift.
I guess I am constantly
challenging myself to appreciate if I am achieving and contributing, whether my
ideas are sound and what I need to do or where I need to go to get inspiration
and insight for whatever I am faced with. There are days I do not think I have
done much and there are many caught between the shame of being slothful, the guilt
of not achieving my goals, the embarrassment of being caught out and the humiliation of being shown up.
Finding my place of
vulnerability and being able to deal with it is still a process, the way I find
it difficult to ask for or seek help when I need it most. I am working on finding
the voice to fix the things I am uncomfortable with.
Guarding the
influences
This Coronavirus
pandemic lockdown where you are left alone and with your own thoughts, many
influences begin to insert themselves in your life, usually from social media
and television. I do manage my television influences better than I do social
media, especially Twitter. So much jumps out at you to enrage you that you need
to condition yourself in terms of initiation, engagement, response, contribution,
restraint, disengagement, or indifference.
Then, I am getting
better at extricating myself, I do not need to be drawn into issues that drain
mental energy, denigrate, or are unedifying. The unpersuadable are just
unpersuadable and it is important to see the trait early before the fruitless
frustrates. Most importantly, know the unnecessary for it is unnecessary,
something to be ignored and where the temptation to tweet must be resisted for
your good.
I will remain curious
As I go through this
developmental process, I have been trying to find fulfilment in the things I
enjoy without having the things that drive others define my sense of
achievement. Listening to a number of discussions from many interesting people,
the pep talk is quite off-putting to the point of detestation.
The life coaches and
motivation speakers who go on about using this period of sequestration or rather
retreat to say you should focus on something, have a purpose in life or pursue your passion, without which you have underachieved leaving
you an anxiety wreck as you realise you have let another day slip useless away,
again.
Elizabeth Gilbert in
a recent TED discussion brought in a new thought process, suggesting we exercise
curiosity; a kind of interest probably in the mundane, which I do so well, observing beyond just
seeing, the stakes she said are lower, there is no anxiety, for looking closer
brings to light things easily missed.
I know I am curious,
it feeds my learning, the learning to love myself more, it brings insight, it
is questioning, precocious, inquisitive, challenging of the norm and I might just end up
being proud of myself, grateful of the wonderful people and things that enrich
my life. I think I am comfortable with that.
