As Nigerian as WaZoBia - Time-wasting courtesy calls

Angelic crowning

A couple of weeks ago, Funmi Iyanda posted a congratulatory advertisement where the newly sworn-in president was being crowned in some sort of celestial glory by some angel.

So silly was the picture, the diadem being placed over a fula (traditional Hausa cap), both the crown and hat would have fallen off the moment the hands were lifted from the crown - ironic.

The madness that overcomes Nigerians in this kind of show through advertisement is at times comical but is a cultural malaise that eats into the core of what is Nigerian.

Tasking tasks tasked tasker (sic)

Along with this the pages of Nigerian newspapers with the unusual contexts of tasks and tasking - it should be a rarity to use tasks as a verb or tasking in the present continuous - the context being conveyed is akin to thinking about a subject and doing something about it. So, agency, vested interests or patrons task the president with some ideal and the President tasks others with other ideals.

Unfortunately, the President does not have time to do any of the tasks, generally, when you win an election well-wishers and allies pick up the phone and send their congratulations - In Nigeria, that is too technologically advanced for many to comprehend, just last week, the President had to entertain a 300-strong delegation of people from Kaduna State including the governor who had left their posts to seeking presidential patronage in the name of goodwill.

I doubt if more purposeful state visits carry entourages this large.

Attending to the wrong crowd

So, in this rather hopefully crowded schedule of running Nigeria, he had to make time to acknowledge and entertain these time-wasting mendicants whose main goal was nothing to do with the matters of state, but a jolly at the expense of Nigeria to achieve nothing for Nigerians. It would appear these delegations would expect the Federal Government to pick up the tab for this unwarranted junket.

The man is beginning to impress me, breaking with tradition and taking a laudable stance, he acknowledged them and then upbraided them saying "While I appreciate this great outpouring of affection and the pledges of support for which I feel humbled, I must say that there is so much work to do in our country today and I will like to concentrate on the crucial task of repositioning our country for peace, sustainable development and prosperity."

That is as good a put down as anyone would give in a very sympathetic and diplomatic way. It transpires, he had warned off delegations from his state. You can expect people to accuse him of being parsimonious rather than smart and frugal with a sense of responsiblity - it does not feed into the Nigerian hedonistic complex and inordinate quest for all things free at other people's expense, especially the treasury looting and largesse sharing part.

The President himself has offered to visit all Nigerians, meaning he would chose his time and make it purposeful, that is not to say the states would not go overboard in outdoing each other when entertaining the President. Can't we just do this through email, SMS, video conferencing, radio, television or smoke signals?

As Nigerian as WaZoBia

However, this endemic time-wasting activity is as Nigerian as WaZoBia (WaZoBia is a concatenation of the Yoruba, Hausa and Igbo translations of come), most of the time we receive guests unannounced and it is a matter of courtesy to accommodate and entertain these guests, the logistics of handling 300 guests are hard enough for a country that cannot conduct free and fair elections.

In official parlance, this abuse of other people's private space is called a courtesy call - Yes, how can I massage the ego of a self-important person? By aimlessly visiting for a useless photo-opportunity whilst pretending to discuss immaterial issues and thereby killing time, wasting time and squandering money.

References

Enough congratulations, says President

Please, I've got a job to do

Of service in Nigerian businesses

The old Wazobia

At times, I have the opportunity to avail myself of services of Nigerian businesses, though more because they offer a service; I can rarely find anywhere else.

I however worry about the possibility of those businesses turning a success with the lax attitudes and poor professionalism that exemplifies the owners of those outfits.

Finding myself in Antwerp this weekend, I left my executive suite and traipsed past the exquisite restaurant to a dinghy Nigerian restaurant (New Wazobia) or rather “buka” two streets away to have goat meat pepper soup and possibly some pounded yam and spinach.

For the lack other places to go for Nigerian fare, I have frequented this place with a prayer and great risk to my health; I have doggedly returned despite at least two attributable cases for food poisoning.

Many a time, I have had to ask for a glass rather than drink through a straw and the food is served so unnaturally hot because the stuff gets tossed in a microwave oven and one is at risk of scalding from the food rather than the plates, as one would have with Western type dishes.

Waiting for no waiter

Anyway, I was there this evening took a seat was acknowledged by the regular crowd and nigh on 15 minutes, there was no sign of a waiter and I was done with waiting.

So, I took my coat, hat, scarf and umbrella and left without event.

As I returned to my hotel, the bellboy who was all over like a rash came forward to retrieve the umbrella he offered me on my way out, and I took the opportunity to ask about the restaurant.

I got details of all that was on offer and he offered to get me a reservation whilst I returned to my room to get into something less stuffy. A table at the window, fine red wine, my steak – half-bleeding – utterly succulent, an inspired menu creation that was set on a bed of spinach and bedecked with a slab of foie gras, smiling and helpful staff, live music to boot.

Then I think to myself, why suffer for a taste of home if the service is so atrocious, I would consider it utterly unacceptable in any other place.

World Cup to rotten dump

My experience of Nigerian businesses does not end there, during the Paris World Cup, my cousin arranged that we could watch Nigeria – Bulgaria in Paris, I paid just a few pounds short of a thousand to get the two of us out to Paris on a bus with other Nigerians, a place in the stadium to watch my team and a night in Paris.

As it transpired, we arrived just in time to hear the last chords of the Bulgarian National Anthem, the Nigerian one having gone first, then we finally got our seats.

For excitement, electricity and good times, this was one I really enjoyed, I probably never saw the ball as it passed round the field but in the end, I had no voice with which to speak for hours.

We then gathered back in the bus for our next rendezvous which was on the outskirts of Paris, it took two hours to find which happened to be a Formule 1 Hotel – I could not believe it – it had bunk beds, the shower was literally above the toilet, if you could squeeze into that bath-toi-room-let.

What could have been, amongst our company was a man who had traveled all the way from Nigeria along with quite a few well-to-do career people – the desire to make maximum profit spoilt an otherwise beautiful day.

We did not quibble, we just took a taxi back into the town centre and got ourselves rooms in suitable hotels – if I can get better arrangements elsewhere, Nigerian-owned businesses have a lot of work to do to gain my custom – they just cannot compete if they exude such greed or lack of attention to customer relationships.