On keeping and appreciating the value of my diamond

Working on relationships

There are times I want to believe I have the best of relationships and others where I am doubtful about the strength of what we might have going. The doubts are not about the relationship itself but how to navigate the emotional elements that constitute the relationship to ensure needs and requirements are satisfied.

If there were a rulebook for relationships with 10 Steps to Perfect Relationships, maybe 10 steps would be a bit much, if the whole concept could be condensed to 3 steps or how Jesus paraphrased the 10 Commandments into two of loving God and loving your neighbour as yourself, maybe, just maybe there can be a modicum of assured success.

The demands are demanding

However, human beings are too complex to be subject to the simple mechanisation of rules. The elements that make for a good relationship with anyone are myriad and varied, the commonalities and differences that engender satisfaction for partners would rarely be similar between all sorts of people.

As much as I strive to make relationships work, we all have expectations, some fully and completely met and others quite less so, as to be unsatisfactory. We work at what we have, to make the bad good, and hope to make the good even better or perfect, but there is work involved and communication is key to that.

Making provision for the sulk

Then again, allowances need to be made to vent frustration, anger, or some other emotion in the scheme of things. A quiet spell of being sent to Coventry is probably one of the easier messages to send in the expression of disagreement or more. It is prerogative that members of a partnership are free to exercise at will without the need to answer to anyone.

Not that it makes for any good feeling for the affected party, but these are things that we as human beings need to negotiate even as the burden of disquiet exacerbates stress and unfortunate discomfort.

Seeking a more perfect union

As the old saying, Love is blind, marriage or relationships are the eye opener. My eyes are constantly opened to my inadequacies in satisfying what might be required of me, in as much as they are opened to how people in relationships are flawed people seeking to augment each other to make a more complete union and whole, some of that is in bonding as glue for joinery and at times it is brutal clash of iron sharpening iron with all the sparks that come from the friction.

I guess what matters most is lots of patience and much more endurance to stay the course whatever happens, to prove daily and maybe hourly that the person you have chosen matters more than you have the capacity to express and in the same vein, more than they would ever know. The rest you leave to fate and fortitude, you can never relent in giving your best, the test is whether they trust you enough to accept it as good enough.

When I look back into history, a man was a diamond to a damsel, sadly, the diamond lost its glitter, the amazing gem had lost the colour, the clarity, the cut, and the carat weight that gave it inestimable value, rancour and animosity bedevils that once blessed matrimony. It is a narrative one must prevent from repeating itself.

Thought Picnic: What little to do much with

Meeting all needs regardless

The gospel reading and sermon in church today was based on Matthew 14:13-21, the well-rehearsed story of the feeding of the 5,000. It begins with Jesus withdrawing for some quiet time, but the people followed him that he abandoned his quest to minister to their needs.

Seeing the great crowd, out of compassion, he healed their sick and taught them until it was late. His disciples then urged him to let the people go because they could get food and sustenance, as they were in a deserted and remote place.

Jesus, however, was not going to let them go in their hour of immediate physical need that he told the disciples to feed them. The disciplines had somewhat determined there were 5 loaves and 2 fishes available which might have wanted to share amongst themselves.

The little we bring

That little was what Jesus needed to feed the crowd, having asked the disciples to feed the people, he then showed them how. A process of miraculous multiplication took place in his hands, a man who healed the sick and raised the dead could take so little and make much out of it. The ned of the story was not that 5,000 were fed and that was just the men, excluding the women and the children, it was that 12 baskets were gathered after everyone was fully sated.

The Dean preaching this morning emphasized on the fact that little is a lot, engagement is good consideration and beyond that, we should act. We pray for the needy and then go out and meet that need. Letting Jesus blessing whatever we have got to multiply it in provision and means to those in need.

Just a word is enough

What also made the message quite significant to me was in conversation with Brian during the week, he opined on how a somewhat insignificant word can be the source of inspiration for a blog. I have on occasion found myself writing copiously on the premise of just one word, an insignificant event, a silly idea or a dismissible observation.

Earlier in Matthew’s account of the gospel, a centurion came to Jesus asking that he heal his servant. Jesus was ready to follow to the centurion’s home to heal the servant, but the centurion gave an interesting exposition on power and authority. All the centurion required was caught in this: “Lord, I am not worthy that You should come under my roof. But only speak a word, and my servant will be healed.” [BibleHub: Matthew 8:8]

Back to my conversation with Brian, to his observation, I said, maybe the singular word before I blog is like my 5 loaves and 2 fishes of inspiration seeding a blog. Obviously, in the light of what I heard today; it only behoves me to find other areas where the little I have can become something great in the master’s hands. I leave you with another blog that came from that last sentence in a song by Danniebelle Hall.

Blog - Back to the cross with meaning to me

A day in concision

A day in time

What a difference a day makes, even if you cannot remember what happened in the last 24 hours. The clock ticks away as time grows old each moment reached and left to travel into the eternity past and the present which was a moment ago the future creeps upon you.

Sometimes, we give no thought to the passing of time, I attend work at home with expectation and patience, the things we need to do are limited by the things we are yet to acquire. Our presence tested by enquiry and hesitancy, for we must amend not to offend.

The time is true

In this, we tackle the affairs of the heart, a missive on a mission for which we have agreed to accomplish a union at the next rendezvous. Putting doubts aside and stepping out in faith, there is a lot in this for us. Birthdays wishes and thankful greetings, mining the gems of relationships that matter even more.

Not much a cauldron nor a pot, the black-eyed beans boil away in the gentility of slow cooking, no concern for the hours and no fear for the burning. Eventually, when it is ready, a tasty meal is had. Crying from the hamlet far away is the patriarch, needy and needful, we cannot needless heed even as we find ourselves needing.

Doing the timely stuff

The return of the leader is suffused attending to urgencies of proximity, nothing of our questions will for now be satisfactorily answered, we have become the waiters at the tables of time. Tapping away again, the words are a jumble of nonsense and insensibility, yet, in a few hours the day’s work would have been done.

Just to remember something I heard Trevor Noah say, “If he wasn’t black, he won’t be dead.” The shooting dead of Rayshard Brooks speaks to the fact that police reform critically needs a curriculum that majors in de-escalation because there are too many trigger-happy hotheads in police uniform devoid of common sense charged with protecting us. [BBC News: Rayshard Brooks shooting: Use of deadly force by Atlanta police condemned]

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Thought Picnic: We cry in the eyes of goodness

A friend in the way

For probably 5 or 6 years he has stood at the entrance of the supermarket on the ground floor of my apartment block, sometimes dishevelled but with an easy disposition, friendly and amiably from the first time I saw him my heart just melted.

He sells magazines apparently priced to help the homeless, I have never really seen anyone buy a magazine off him, but he stands, greets and never begs or forces his wares on passers-by – on occasion someone has struck up a conversation with him.

Pass the Dutchie

The magazines are in Dutch and my grasp of Dutch is elevated to the level of Double-Dutch such that I could well read most of what I see but never get the context right – Dutch has a way of reusing the same words and ending up with completely different meanings, I am always stumped.

The other day, I wanted a steak, the Dutch menu happily announced kogelbiefstuk – the biefstuk part I got as beef steak but the kogel I know is bullet, as my brain went into overdrive as to how on earth bullets will end up in a beef steak and get presented as food, I dared to give voice to my confusion – how bullets and rump correlate is beyond me – I stopped wasting brain power on it and found that rump and round are used interchangeably for the same kind of steak – so I ordered my rounds of bullet-steak medium-rare and carried on with my life.

Plenty and little

In any case, my friend, yes, I will call him friend because I have chatted to him a few times, learnt of his birthday, found out how his circumstances were changing for him to get his place, his hopes, not necessarily desires but he was a man I knew had many needs that selling the magazines will not meet.

In the years of plenty, I easily parted with a €50 note each time I went shopping and saw him, though it did occur to me that for whatever immediate needs he might have, it would have been better to break it down into smaller denominations.

Then years of famine came where even I had very little, there were times when I only had a meal a day and for a person surviving cancer and on medication, it was dire, difficult and hard, but my friend in my heart seemed to still have greater needs than I, he must have noticed that what I parted with was a lot smaller, I sometimes prayed he would not be at the entrance to the supermarket because I had so little and literally nothing to spare, I could not face him with my situation but I believe he understood that if I did have to give, I would definitely share.

An opportunity to share

Today, I visited the supermarket again and he was there, I had not seen him for a while, I warmly greeted him and went about my shopping, I also consciously wanted to give him something even though I do not have that much.

I cannot say how many hours he had spent standing there but I have even in my own life learnt so well that there is someone out there concerned, involved, engaged and empathetic about me, none of which I can explain than to be grateful and thankful that the most desperate situations just seem to have amazing solutions wending their way towards me.

So, I palmed some money to him, we seem to have developed to concealed exchange which was good enough for me and then I told him I am leaving Amsterdam for good - again, maybe he put two and two together, I cannot say but there was a quick expression of two emotions I did not miss, one of sadness as to why I had to leave and one of thankfulness for what we have shared – his voice trembled as he just about stopped himself from crying.

Floods of kindness

He grabbed my hand and shook it very warmly, wishing me well with whatever I go on to do. At the same time, I saw myself in him, in great need, almost desperate, almost destitute but always blessed for the people who cross my path with gifts, grace, favour and much more – I have many a time been lost for words as I have been overwhelmed with amazing goodness from other people.

It is like when I am at my wit’s end I begin to experience a flood of kindness that I am fully aware that nothing I could have done could have created what makes me smile, laugh, cry and give thanks – there is love in this world beyond compare and people who just give, give and give to give hope, to give happiness, to give joy, to give peace and to meet somewhat insurmountable needs.

Today, I learnt anew, the joy of giving and the joy of receiving all at the same time and because of the way some things work I believe that someone somewhere will fill in the gap created by my absence because my friend has an angel just as I do.

Thought Picnic: Driven by desire

Driven by desire

I know desire though not like the desire many might have. The things of life that make you think you are not fruitful, productive or going somewhere no matter how hard you try.

There are things people desire for me that I cannot desire for myself, our goals do not match even if one can recognise where they are coming from.

Have I ever desired a wife, not really – I knew there are things about me that meant not burdening others with it too. As wonderful and loving as children are, I could never have them for all sorts of reasons I refused to allow become an all-consuming passion that could lead me to distraction – It is not important.

My peace is most paramount

I have been fortunate not to be subject to societal pressures demanding conformity without acknowledging my individuality though the end of the matter is hardly there – too many people do not have enough to cater for as they mind my business along with theirs.

To be honest, I have given up fighting them, they complain and rant, they abuse and curse, they rail and revile, they blame and excoriate, they contemn and condemn – I see them, I hear them, I read them but I answer them not – not to spite them, not to ignore them, not to belittle them but for the little peace I can find within myself to take each day as it comes and make the best of what time I have left.

But what I have I longed for in the midst of the many misfortunes I have lived to see the loss of in health, in wealth, in home, in work, in peace, in ability and in purpose – a new sense of purpose and a chance to prove that I am more than you can lift off the pages of my thoughts.

Thought Picnic: Appreciating emotional needs

Separating the morality from the need

I was involved in a discussion early this morning on the matter of relationships and infidelity with a good friend of mine and he suggested I espoused a perspective he did not really consider when he first got wind of the circumstance he shared with me.

I suppose there are people who will consider my views liberal and they probably are but within that thinking I hope to expose some fundamental issues that we fail to pay good heed to.

Now, in my view, relationships can be composed of any gender pairing, the matter of love is just too complex to be constricted to the moralisation that allows for a seemingly religious majority to tyrannically abrade those who do not subscribe to a particular norm.

Relationships are diverse

The norm can only be derived from the freedom of adults to do what to the participants is the pursuit of happiness and the freedom to associate for the emotional comfort each needs of the other.

From marriages, through civil partnerships to love affairs and casual encounters, there is every possibility that the emotional need is partly satisfied with a sexual encounter – I do not intend to moralise about that apart from say that innately we are all sexual beings after a sort too.

One can only feel for the pressures that companions are under when their partners are not near or a relationship is a long-distance one – much as the fondness and longing is there, either party for all the moral muscle they can exercise is not completely devoid of the need for a cuddle, an embrace, a listening ear and the unplanned encounter leading to error.

Provision is not love

Many can expect their partners to keep themselves but absence cannot be fully compensated for by reason of the bond that is not constantly renewed and rekindled with proximity, presence and physical feeling of your mate.

The theory is simple and valid that a partner who is highly-sexed might seek temporary succour not to establish a parallel affair but in casual encounters that some might call “sleeping around”, it is unfortunate, but in every sense natural and probably should be expected.

However, how the other partner deals with knowledge of that situation is a different thing and that brings me to another issue that needs a bit of analysis.

Too often, partners in a relationship tend to think provision is the equivalent of love, by extension; there are settings where the provider supposes the provision of shelter, food, education and clothing is the full expression of love to their children. The honest truth is that whilst it might be an expression of love it is fundamentally a responsibility.

The emotional need

Love in and of itself ministers to a more ethereal need which is to the emotions, to the feelings, in the expression of concern and in attention to needs that are rarely material.

Sadly, the warped use of provision as a substitute for love schools the thinking into a materialistic mind frame where the provider by listing the material things done automatically expects loyalty, love, chastity and obedience to be the purchased bundle they have acquired by money completely absent of emotional input.

That is not to say that material things are not good and needful but the foundation on which most relationships is based is emotional and to let that pale into insignificance by buying allegiance through gifts or nominal responsibility will not satisfy emotional longing and obligations partners have to each other.

Recovering our emotional quotient

The point is we need to discover better our emotional selves, recognise better the emotional needs of all our relationships; be they marital, familial, casual or any construct where those are intertwined to the pursuit of our mutual happiness and work to ensuring that our obligations are fulfilled.

Where such is not possible, then we need to appreciate that our moral rectitude might not necessarily be as strongly expressed in our partners, our inabilities to satisfy their immediate or long-term emotional needs might well mean they seek that elsewhere.

I will hate to see this read as a license to lasciviousness but the sooner we realise the needs of our humanity and the strengths individuals have along with the disappointments that might ensue, we will better be able to make the best of the times we have together and save many a headache or heartbreak.