Thursday, 3 May 2012

Thought Picnic: An Ode to the Armpit Smoothener


Wax that chesty walk
I once suggested that those with a swagger of arrogance that involved pushing out their chests should have their chests waxed. My thinking being nothing will force that ribcage of the gibbon back to its intended structure faster than a good strip ripping the hairs violently off that chest – it should also make the man cry – serves him right.
It reminds of me of a classmate of mine in secondary school who from the first form walked around with an exuded chesty posture as if to make himself bigger than he really was, by the time we got to the fifth form, that chest had become the best part of what I would regretfully call a deformity, I do wonder if someone had to take a hammer to to the ribcage to set it back in place.
Death from the armpits shorn
In any case, I have never been waxed and I do not intend to suffer the indignity of beauty acquired through unbearable pain. However, depilatories are useful especially after someone saw me using a pair of scissors on the hairs of my armpit and came up with the weirdest superstitions I have ever heard ever – I risk the loss of a child if I trim my armpit hairs.
The correlation was completely beyond me apart from the fact that I could using my least adroit hand have the scissors do me some serious mischief in the cavity of my armpit and that would be more pain than I am willing to endure.
I then resorted to shaving, but shaving sticks do not adapt to the contours of the armpit and you are half a contortionist trying to pull the skin to allow for a flat surface to shave off the hair – it is hard work – honestly.
Creams and screams
So, depilatories it was, with the cautionary tale of timing and coarseness of hair between races and the particular about oneself. This is because, if you do not get it right, in removing all the hair, the standard advice is not to use the depilatory again for at least 36 hours.
I had also learnt to use latex gloves when applying the cream because years ago, having used my fingers, I forgot to wash off the cream properly and suffered severe burns which manifested on my first day of holiday – I could handle very little and was really uncomfortable.
The other discovery I made was until recently, I used branded depilatories that had to work on the hair for 5 to 7 minutes before it could be scraped off. Though I don’t use a scraper, I prefer to use a wet sponge in the shower, it is easier on my skin and I can readily wash it all off before I suffer any burns.
A third and a half
So, imagine my surprise when the shop had run out the branded product and I was left to choose the shop’s brand which was going for a third of the price and was effective in half the time. In most cases, the maximum time was 3 minutes whilst it was still quite easy on my skin.
I wonder if there is something to deal with nose hair, not that I am turning into a mammoth but I have seen many a homo-sapiens-mammoth with hairs sprouting out of their noses and ears like some other-world pre-evolution creature – I have to say my prayers, the words are spoken already.

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