Sunday, 6 June 2010

Thought Picnic: I am my own stories


Stories we dare not recount
The world we live in is full of stories many that would never be told but we live through them learning, experiencing and wondering what we have to do today and what lays in store for the future.
The future is both near and far, near as in tomorrow and the things that seem foreseeable until that light of life is snuffed away and the far which is that destination of an eternal place – the burden of the religions we profess and the sometimes the regulator of the lives we now live.
I have been fortunate and blessed – some might say lucky – I should not take any of it for granted, my life has not been without event, some I cannot even dare to recount but all that informs the way I engage with people who question certain elements and situations about who I am – nobody ever has the full story and at certain points in time even I do not have my complete story to hand.
The love will not diminish
This morning that stark reality jumped out at me in Facebook, an innocuous comment expressing deep emotion with amazingly unintended consequences, that I just avoided the inclination to make the inappropriate call.
The scythe of the eventually inevitable has harvested yet another, this time, the most beloved of the some many one has – now, it is the fourth and that is four just too many; all younger, all with shock and none that I can comprehend.
In the midst of grief I find myself talking about the eternity we foresee and the conflicts of life that might preclude one from supposedly intended destinations, fighting for who one is in the midst of traditions of faith, accepted interpretations and general abominations that dare not speak their names.
Who I am
You find yourself saying, “If this situation is a thorn in my flesh, then it would be removed, if I have to endure in continuous battle against forces that I struggled with for so long, then I will not be vanquished - but give me another narrative - one that does not throw my individuality and personality to some non-descript template of Christian conformity.”
What I am talking about – yes, exactly, that is what I mean – I guess I am still searching for who I am in the context of everything I have ever been.
For those departed, I hope they are all in a better place – in the water and not in the mercury – for I have once been a gatekeeper to the portal of the afterlife.
One day, I should boldly say, “I am what I am, I am who I am and will not apologise for being that.” It is however, a work in progress. So far, I am my own stories.

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