Thursday, 22 April 2010

Thought Picnic: Talking down and listening up

For ancestral angst
The amazing power of silence came to play in an ambush this afternoon. Whilst he has been a stalwart of moral support in these trying times there are times I consider certain views inconsiderate.
I am grateful that in the rather dire times he took it upon himself to call regularly to find out how I was and hope that I recover fully in health, wealth and means speedily.
There was great comfort from those words and desires, one could only accept them in appreciation but it also opened the door to conflict – I must get a woman, I must get married, I need a carer, they are a necessary evil, you need to have children.
Really, I just want to get well, none of those other wishes appear anywhere in any list of priorities I currently have or project to have in the foreseeable future.
In paternal roar
So when I got back to work, it was not a complete slam dunk of the past, it was the beginning of a journey but it appears I was already expected to have completed that journey to means and ability.
Indeed, I wish I had completed that journey but I am happy to be in the right direction so I was so surprised at the ambush this afternoon when I was basically accused of being inconsiderate, not calling, not concerned and not communicative.
A call does not come cheap and though I would like to count the pounds, I have been counting the pennies – I was not going to go on the defensive and I refused to allow anger to rise for the offensive – I do speak my mind if occasion does really warrant it.
Offspring expressions
Using English for communication allows me to convey my views much strongly and forcefully than I could ever do in any other language and I use that to its full effect but this time, I allowed the torrent of recrimination and kept quiet, silent and devoid of determined contemplation.
Hello! I heard him say afterwards, it was not interminable silence but long enough to mean, when you have gotten it off your chest we can continue the conversation – without my addressing those matters – fair enough, he had a grievance, it was not something I had the immediate means to address – the conversation continued, respectfully, reverently, purposefully and wonderfully.
As it ended, I said to myself what I usually do say on the phone – but today was the day for the unsaid – I love you, sir.

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