Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Breaking up is so very hard to do

Breaking up is so very hard to do

Eight years ago I realised that things I have been able to clinically dismiss were not that easily gotten rid of. In fact, it just brought home the fact that I was just as much an emotional being as anyone else.

It was the end of a 7-year relationship and it hit me like a blot out of the blue. Well, that was not to say that I did not see it coming, but it was a time that I was possibly depressed and unsure of many things that I had no strength to fight for it when it slipped away.

At that time, I thought of leaving the country, doing something completely different or seriously radical, one thing I did not do was the norm – bury yourself in your work or hit the bottle - I took 2 weeks off work and went to stay with friends.

I eventually left the country but not for another 17 months after the break-up and that decision cannot have been unrelated, we are however the best of friends today.

What’s love got to do with it

Just over 2 years ago, I began another hard journey of developing a companionship and relationship, sometimes I did wonder what the attraction was, but we muddled through because we were ever so comfortable in each other’s company.

So many times I asked questions and received answers very much like platitudes, more about fondness than love; somehow, I could live with that.

We then went on a long holiday with no expense spared, in many ways between us our ability to acquire the affordable and sometimes the expensive was quite varied, but no one was ever unable to reach as long as we were together.

I could almost fault myself from having a more long term view and business approach to my relationships, I always put things in perspective; this was however not a strong point of my partner and in any event we broke up during the holiday.

Many of the reasons are not unrelated to my work-ethic, my study which ate into quality time together and certain other interests, all of which have suffered since the break up; then the evil malignant cancer of jealousy that cloaks realities with threats to ones life – that was scary, I have never been able to understand why people succumb to it so dangerously and vulnerably.

Picked a fine time to leave me

We found ways to maintain a modicum of civility and decorum for the rest of the holiday after a night or two of having to listen to Madonna music, the more pointed one was “Express yourself”, in other words, I had become “second best”, only that I did not know to whom.

So, I returned to work and tried to get along, though personally I have not been as productive as I would like to be. My degree course in the dissertation area has suffered the most – having taken my laptop on holiday keep up with work, this issue came to the fore and I just aborted the project completely.

Basically, I am trying to convince myself that I am not out of sorts and I plan to write to my Programme Manager that I am pulling out of the course because I am just not there.

Makes me wonder, why do people break up? (Al Green) And if they do, why does it affect them so badly that they fail to do the rational things?

Having started up with Dionne Warwick, it appears – I’ll never fall in love again, as it seems I cannot deign to make it easy on myself.

Lyrics

Make it easy on yourself – Burt Bacharach – Dionne Warwick

What’s love got to do with it – Terry Britten & Graham Lyle - Tina Turner

Lucille - Roger Bowling and Hal Bynum – Kenny Rogers

Express yourself – Madonna & Stephen Bray - Madonna

I’ll never fall in love again – Burt Bacharach – Dionne Warwick

Let’s stay together – Al Green & Willie Mitchell – Al Green

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